When I was a little kid, I had this dream. I would pace up and down the hallway where the door to our playroom was five times. And on the fifth try, I opened the door to our playroom, and instead of our modest and slightly messy playroom, what laid behind that door was a shimmering new playroom. I don't remember exactly what it looked like because I was maybe 4 when I had this dream, but what I do remember is everything somehow shimmered, and was the nicest, softest pink. and there was a lovely window seat right under the window. The next morning I woke up, determined to make this dream come true. I paced up and down the hallway 5 times, opened the door to our playroom with hopeful expectation, and nothing changed. I tried this several times until finally I gave up, disappointed and slightly sad.

The beauty of this story is how with all of my heart I believed I would be able to change my playroom with just wishful thinking and simply pacing up and down the hallway. As I grew up,  a spirit of cynicism took over my mind, and I barely can remember the last time I believed in something as ludicrous and wholeheartedly as that without any hint of doubt. Now, my mind is filled with doubts, especially when it comes to God and his promises to me. No matter how many times he tells me something, a small part of me still doubts. Why is that? This is why we are called as Christians to have a childlike faith. Because children are so innocent. They believe in things wholeheartedly, passionately, and without any hint of doubt. No matter how far fetched or impossible it may be. When is the last time you believed in something like that? Whether it be something God is trying to tell you, or in God Himself. I know for me, it's very difficult to believe and trust that strongly without any hint of doubt. Maybe it is for you, too. All I know is that God is faithful, He is truth, and He never changes. Everything He says and does yesterday, He will say and do today. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He doesn't change. So that means His word and His promises don't change. He has been teaching me that day by day lately, and is working on removing the roots of cynicism that have grown inside of me over the years. What is the Lord trying to reveal to you that you are having trouble believing? Please don't be like me and let doubt drown out the soft whispers of truth God is speaking to you. Choose to listen to him, you won't regret it.

"He is the Lord, let Him do what seems good to Him." 1 Samuel 3:18

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. Fully convinced convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21

It seems as if restlessness has made a permanent home in my heart. My hands ache to grasp onto the thing I am waiting for, while my mind races at the possibilities, the maybes, and the almosts. Doubt floods my mind, and the worst possible scenarios have been leaking in more often than not lately. I'm tired. I'm tired of wrestling with God. I'm tired of demanding answers and certainty when He's already given that to me. What more do I need?  God is truth, so His promises are truth. It is therefore impossible for Him to lie. When He tells us something, it is fact. It is so hard for me to grasp this. 

What if I heard Him wrong? What if I made this all up in my head? I pray about it constantly. I pray that God would take it from me if this isn't real, and if this is all a figment of my imagination. "If this is not from you, Lord, rid me of it." I have prayed probably ten billion times these past few years. He, instead of taking it keeps giving me little glimpses of hope, and tastes of the future. Which causes me to flail and try and grasp all the more, instead of being thankful for the little blessings and ways He tries to sustain me through this process. 

I sometimes laugh at how hand tailored this situation is for me.  Two of the things I struggle with the most is waiting on God, and doubt. This season of waiting I am in challenges both of my capacities for patience, and trust. But has grown me so much. I am weary, but I am stronger in the Lord because of this. I'm still struggling. Struggling to trust, struggling to be patient, struggling not to try and control the situation. But, compared to three years ago I am a different person. I am learning that the reason God is putting me through this, and puts us through anything, is to grow us and draw us closer to Him. Sometimes changes in us can't come about unless He throws us into a trial of sorts. Whether that be a season of waiting and silence, or something more serious like an illness. We all have our stuff, and thankfully God doesn't allow anything to happen to us without Him using that trial for whatever purpose He has. He doesn't let anything go to waste. Your whole life is stitched together by Him, every occurrence, every breath is full of purpose. That is something to be thankful for. I find rest and assurance in that fact while I am still in the midst of my season of waiting. I pray you do too.