"He is the Lord, let Him do what seems good to Him." 1 Samuel 3:18

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. Fully convinced convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21

It seems as if restlessness has made a permanent home in my heart. My hands ache to grasp onto the thing I am waiting for, while my mind races at the possibilities, the maybes, and the almosts. Doubt floods my mind, and the worst possible scenarios have been leaking in more often than not lately. I'm tired. I'm tired of wrestling with God. I'm tired of demanding answers and certainty when He's already given that to me. What more do I need?  God is truth, so His promises are truth. It is therefore impossible for Him to lie. When He tells us something, it is fact. It is so hard for me to grasp this. 

What if I heard Him wrong? What if I made this all up in my head? I pray about it constantly. I pray that God would take it from me if this isn't real, and if this is all a figment of my imagination. "If this is not from you, Lord, rid me of it." I have prayed probably ten billion times these past few years. He, instead of taking it keeps giving me little glimpses of hope, and tastes of the future. Which causes me to flail and try and grasp all the more, instead of being thankful for the little blessings and ways He tries to sustain me through this process. 

I sometimes laugh at how hand tailored this situation is for me.  Two of the things I struggle with the most is waiting on God, and doubt. This season of waiting I am in challenges both of my capacities for patience, and trust. But has grown me so much. I am weary, but I am stronger in the Lord because of this. I'm still struggling. Struggling to trust, struggling to be patient, struggling not to try and control the situation. But, compared to three years ago I am a different person. I am learning that the reason God is putting me through this, and puts us through anything, is to grow us and draw us closer to Him. Sometimes changes in us can't come about unless He throws us into a trial of sorts. Whether that be a season of waiting and silence, or something more serious like an illness. We all have our stuff, and thankfully God doesn't allow anything to happen to us without Him using that trial for whatever purpose He has. He doesn't let anything go to waste. Your whole life is stitched together by Him, every occurrence, every breath is full of purpose. That is something to be thankful for. I find rest and assurance in that fact while I am still in the midst of my season of waiting. I pray you do too.

There is a song that comes on the radio station I regularly listen to called, "If We're Honest" by Francesca Battistelli. It's about how we should all be more transparent and honest with each other. We shouldn't feel like we need to hide our weaknesses and struggles because of embarrassment or what have you, especially from those closest to us. Because we are all struggling and broken in some way and if we would just open up we could help each other through our brokenness. It's a very lovely song and you should definitely listen to it. Anyway, so this song comes on the radio a lot and to be honest I always cringe when it does. You know why? 

Because I hate being honest.

That makes me sound like I am a compulsive liar or something, which I'm not, by the way. But, I hate opening up to people. I hate talking about things I am struggling with and I hate being vulnerable.  I'm not sure why I am this way. Maybe because I am an extremely sensitive and emotional person so chances are I'll burst into tears as soon as I start opening up, and I don't want to seem like a basket case. There is absolutely no shame in being sensitive, and I am trying to teach myself that, but it's something I am very self conscious about nonetheless. I also don't like being perceived as weak, and being emotional is usually perceived as a weakness. Which is gross and the opposite of true.  It is very brave, healthy, and normal to have feelings and it should not be looked down upon when people express them because we all struggle and we all feel. 

God has been showing me this lately. He's also been putting on my heart that I should start writing about the things He has been teaching me. Which means opening up about my past and present struggles. It is definitely out of my comfort zone to open up about things so personal to me but I really do want to. Especially if God can use the things He is teaching me to help other people. So, hopefully as I start to get hashtag real with all of you that God will speak through me.  My prayer is that He'll use my words to touch all of your hearts, especially if we are similar in our brokenness.  It is worth stepping out of my bubble of comfort to let God use me and the ways He's worked in my life to work in yours.  I pray through my experiences with Jesus and His relentless love for me He will reveal the relentless love He has for you too.