The Waiting Room

"He is the Lord, let Him do what seems good to Him." 1 Samuel 3:18

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God. Fully convinced convinced that God was able to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21

It seems as if restlessness has made a permanent home in my heart. My hands ache to grasp onto the thing I am waiting for, while my mind races at the possibilities, the maybes, and the almosts. Doubt floods my mind, and the worst possible scenarios have been leaking in more often than not lately. I'm tired. I'm tired of wrestling with God. I'm tired of demanding answers and certainty when He's already given that to me. What more do I need?  God is truth, so His promises are truth. It is therefore impossible for Him to lie. When He tells us something, it is fact. It is so hard for me to grasp this. 

What if I heard Him wrong? What if I made this all up in my head? I pray about it constantly. I pray that God would take it from me if this isn't real, and if this is all a figment of my imagination. "If this is not from you, Lord, rid me of it." I have prayed probably ten billion times these past few years. He, instead of taking it keeps giving me little glimpses of hope, and tastes of the future. Which causes me to flail and try and grasp all the more, instead of being thankful for the little blessings and ways He tries to sustain me through this process. 

I sometimes laugh at how hand tailored this situation is for me.  Two of the things I struggle with the most is waiting on God, and doubt. This season of waiting I am in challenges both of my capacities for patience, and trust. But has grown me so much. I am weary, but I am stronger in the Lord because of this. I'm still struggling. Struggling to trust, struggling to be patient, struggling not to try and control the situation. But, compared to three years ago I am a different person. I am learning that the reason God is putting me through this, and puts us through anything, is to grow us and draw us closer to Him. Sometimes changes in us can't come about unless He throws us into a trial of sorts. Whether that be a season of waiting and silence, or something more serious like an illness. We all have our stuff, and thankfully God doesn't allow anything to happen to us without Him using that trial for whatever purpose He has. He doesn't let anything go to waste. Your whole life is stitched together by Him, every occurrence, every breath is full of purpose. That is something to be thankful for. I find rest and assurance in that fact while I am still in the midst of my season of waiting. I pray you do too.

tags:Diary,Faith